“It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.” Mandy Hale
Often being selfish has such a negative connotation attached to it. We are often led to believe that being selfish is bad.
However, you must recognise that selfishness is sometimes a necessity, and you most certainly should not feel bad for it.
I would say that I am a giving person and I like to help people and give value, but sometimes I must put myself first.
So many people fail to put themselves first in life. This is a recipe for disaster. We are almost conditioned that every act needs to be at the expense to serve others, but you must also recognise that being selfish can be an act of self-care.
There are sayings in the self-help field such as “put your own life jacket on first” or “the king eats first” for good reason. It is certainly not selfish to put your mental wellbeing or your happiness first. Do not let people tell you differently.
Skip the meal. Spend some money on yourself. Leave the group chat (I have many times). Ignore the phone call. SAY FUCKING NO.
It is a sad truth, but loved ones will come and go in life. Relationships will break. Values will clash. However, you are with your thoughts 24/7 and not one other person on this planet has access to that, so if you need to do something for yourself, just do it!
I am my number one priority. I do not feel remotely bad for it either! I know putting myself first means that others benefit from it.
My partner and family get a healthier and happier me, anyone in my work gets a better version of me and the dog even benefits from it (extra belly rubs on a good day). When you feel good you reflect that to others. Everyone benefits.
The work I do makes me feel good inside and it positively serves me. Therefore, it is not a truly self-less act anyway? I do it because it makes ME feel good! Therefore, I am being selfish. So what!, we are both winners then.
I am not saying cancel all plans here and shut yourself away from the world (community is VERY important). However, if you really find that in a particular instance there is something that you don’t want to do, remember that this is ok. You are ALLOWED to put yourself first. It is about self-care.
Self-care for men in particular might be something we associate as more feminine terminology.
When I first thought self-care, I literally figured it was all aesthetic. Girls would have a ‘pamper day’, nails, hair, and all that jazz. However, self-care applies to us all. The best metaphor I have ever seen this referred to as is the 'million-pound racehorse'. If you had a million-pound racehorse, how would you treat it? You would feed it well. Groom its hair. Look after it. Make sure it has all the essentials to be at the top of its game.
However, self-care is not just about such luxuries. Self-care is about putting yourself first sometimes. It’s about recognising when you are exhausted and you need to take a break. It’s about recognising that its ok to give yourself some vital time back for yourself. Get better at recognising this. This is once again self-awareness.
Book yourself a long weekend away. Put in a holiday at work. Ask for some time for yourself. Go to the gym to get away from people. Do something which is going to make you feel re-energised. Take a phone detox. Switch off social media. Turn your phone off altogether. In my case, run away into the woods and make myself completely non-contactable. Switch your fucking work emails off for crying out loud.
It’s about putting yourself first again and realising its not selfish. Self-care is an absolute core ingredient when it comes to fuelling your mental wellbeing. Greg McKeown says we need to “protect the asset” and it’s so true.
